Today, I sucked

Dear Matthew

Today I sucked at being a good mum. While we had a good time at gymbakids and had a visit from friends, when the time came to put you to bed I failed miserably. 

It was your bed time (approximately of course because we just follow your cues normally) and so you said goodnight to daddy and off you and I went to bed. I usually breast feed you to sleep and to keep myself awake and occupied through what can be an hour long process I usually look at my phone throughout the feed. But I'd forgotten my phone so I yelled out to your dad three times but didn't get an answer. The fourth yell was really loud and eventually he came to the room where I said I had been yelling because I needed my phone and hated that he'd been ignoring me. He said he hadn't been ignoring me, he just couldn't hear me. I said that seems impossible considering the tiny house we live in and the volume of my yells but that I needed my phone in any case. So off he went to get it and closed the door after himself. You freaked at him leaving the room and started crying and walking towards the door. Your dad had grabbed my phone from the living room at this point and was heading back to the bedroom. However I thought he had heard your cries so was aware you were near the door. But he didn't. And he opened it and it slammed tight into your face and body. I freaked and ran to you and picked you up. You physically seemed fine but were sort of shaking and dry-crying if that makes sense. And for the next hour and a half all you wanted was your daddy. 

I feel horrible that I didn't just get up to get my phone. 

I feel horrible that I yelled out to your dad while trying to get you to sleep. 

I fel horrible that I didn't warn him that you are behind the door and that he should open it gently. 

But most of all I feel horrible that I didn't just take the opportunity to enjoy the process of helping you to sleep without feeling I needed my phone there to distract me. All your pain that eventuated could have been avoided had I just cuddled you for however long you needed, without feeling like I had to check Facebook simultaneously. 

I'm so sorry I failed you today. 

I will try and be better tomorrow. 

I love you. 

Mum xxx