Doing things my way

 

Dear Matthew

 

After your birth it's safe to say I was disappointed in the way it panned out. I was overjoyed to have you in my arms and for you to be happy and healthy but I hadn't planned on meeting you via caesarean section. I was angry at myself for not looking at other options when the induction failed and guilty that you didn't get to experience all the benefits that come with a vaginal birth.

 

Since then I've been trying to manage my anger and guilt over your birth but have been struggling to do so, so instead of simply plodding along expecting something to change, I've decided to attend birth trauma counselling in an attempt to be better prepared for when your sibling comes along. We are hoping to conceive your brother or sister towards the end of this year and I don't want to be fearful of his/her birth or out of control. I have been researching VBAC births (vaginal births after caesarean) since shortly after your birth and feel that my knowledge is very strong. The last piece of the puzzle is attending counselling with a qualified counsellor.

 

 

I had my first session on Tuesday and to be honest, we talked for an hour and haven't even got up to your birth yet! The main thing we focussed on was that I unapologetically parent based on my values, such as breastfeeding to natural term and bed-sharing. I do it because I adamantly believe it is best for you and (as you'll see below in the photo of Ma Ma, your uncle Andrew and myself) it's all I know. I sometimes find it hard to parent 'against the grain' because my personality is one where I try to fit in and get those 'gold stars' for doing all the things that the books tell you to do. It has taken a lot of my strength and courage to burn those books and to simply be the best mother I can for YOU, which means following your lead. I'm hoping I can draw on this strength in the lead up to your siblings birth - doing things the way I feel they should be done, not simply because someone tells me that's how they're to be done.

 

I want to set an example for you not to simply be a sheep. You can do things on your own terms if you wish. So long as you feel in your core that what you are doing is right for you, you will always have my full support. For it is only when we act based on our values that we will ever be truly happy and fulfilled in life.

Love you my darling boy,

Mum xxx